One thing that comes up time and again when researching how to document one’s family history are the legal documents that can and should be used to confirm an ancestors identity and their relationships to others. These documents include vital records (birth, death, adoption, and marriage certificates), probate records/Wills, newspaper notices/Obituaries, and Census records, much of which can be found or ordered online if not held within your personal family records.

But what if you don’t have access to such records? Or what if they simply don’t exist?

This is the conundrum I’ve found myself in with multiple passed loved ones spanning three generations on my mom’s side. And so, as I’ve asked myself how to document the undocumented, I thought, “I surely can’t be alone, can I?”!

And so, for the purposes of this post, I’m both asking the question and offering you my simple answer until there is a better one for the two most prominent challenges I’m facing.

How to Document the Undocumented Marriage

Largely a recent history challenge (unless we’re speaking of our LGBTQ+ ancestors), “common law” marriages have been observed by many deeply committed couples who, for a variety of reasons, have chosen not to get legally married.

Those relationships are/were very valid and meaningful to the people who shared years, if not decades, loving each other deeply and should not be discounted just because they didn’t legally tie the knot and don’t have a Marriage License or Certificate on file at the County Courthouse.

For documentation purposes, Marriage Licenses and Certificates can contain the following information:

• Date and place of marriage

• Full names

• Occupations

• Addresses

• Marital status (never legally married, divorced, widow/er)

• Birth date & place

• Age

• Father's name and Mother's maiden name for each in the couple

• The celebrant

• Witness names (generally two)

Now, does one need to document all of the above for a couple who is not legally married? Probably not. But much of the above information is helpful to have documented and can be beneficial both in your current research as well as in future research, especially if children are born from this union.

So, for my own purposes, I’ve begun making notes in my own personal family history records about each of the unmarried-though-fully-committed couples as well as ensuring that their profile on Ancestry.com lists them as married or partnered. Also included in my notes is when/if they did a private ceremony or ritual, including any details and photos I can pull together.

As an aside here, I’d be remiss in neglecting to mention that, until very recently, gay marriage was illegal in the USA (and beyond) and so countless committed partnerships were never properly documented. Given our newly won rights, there will be a rainbow wave of very exciting marriage certificates that previous generations may never have imagined possible and future generations will surely have a lot of fun hunting down and reflecting on in their own research.

How to Document the Undocumented Dead

The passing of a loved one is a profound experience, and while there are a few traditions and rituals that many families insist upon, there are others who may exist outside the status quo for a variety of reasons.

Maybe there wasn’t an Obituary published in the local paper.

Maybe the deceased was cremated and their ashes scattered.

Maybe both.

For example, on my mom’s side alone, there are six relatives spanning three generations who passed away in the last 25 years who were all cremated, so there will be no Cemetery records. And because of each family member in charge of their remembrances, none of them had a “traditional” Obituary written for them that included details of their passing, how their lives would be remembered, or a list of family members.

Once it’s all happened (which is rather fast and painful in the grand scheme of things), there’s nothing we can do about how such important details were handled, so what can we do in the aftermath?

First, let’s look at the details of what’s commonly included in an Obituary:

• The deceased’s full name, including maiden name of she was a married woman, and any well-known nicknames they may have gone by

• The date of their death, their age upon death, and the location (city/state) where they died

• Where the person lived previously as well as when they died (which isn’t always the same as the location of their death)

• Their birthdate and birthplace

• A list of relatives who passed before the deceased

• A list of the surviving spouse and/or relatives

Some Obituaries can be rather extensive, including both the above and the following:

• Religious affiliations

• Job or career information

• Personal and professional accomplishments

• Personal character and interests

• Influence on their community

So, what can we do if the “typical” rituals are not observed around a loved one’s death?

We can simply document as much as we know, both in our own personal family history records and in our online trees, in an effort to memorialize as much as possible about our loved ones.

I have personally started adding information into my individual records in addition to brief notes, as relevant, on my Ancestry.com tree. I’m including details available to me about each family member’s life and vital statistics as well as information about their cremation, where their ashes are/were kept, buried, or scattered (if I have access to that information), and any other details I can glean.

What it all boils down to…

In the end, the best way to memorialize some of the most profound moments in life and death is simply by documenting everything we can in our family history notes so that future family members have access to information that will help them fill the gaps where traditional and legal documentation fails.

Your turn!

Have you faced similar challenges in your research and documentation? And, if so, how have you handled closing the gap between legal documentation and getting the information written down in a way that not only makes sense to you now, but that will be helpful for future family historians in your lineage?

Please share your challenges, thoughts, and approaches in the comments below!

Onward,

Melis